Snarky Boy

But close.

You know what really sucks. You.

But other than that, John Odum too.

He’s the fucking drone-lib who will not go away.

Just when I thought he’d found his ultimate calling — collecting dog license fees – his bat-shit paranoid ass shows up again. Even liberals get bored, I guess. But they like to think that it shows that they care.

My snarky slumber meter read: Full on.

And then the dolt that clerks for the capital city was brought to my attention – fuck you Ntodd – by someone who was just named.

Oh such nonsense. Such puffery. Such pomp and jibberish. Such shallow righteous screeching. Such faux-pained indignity. Ouch, ouch ouch, it hurts when you raise your voice.

Odum needs to get back to screwing up elections – the lines! – and making sure that Chris Graff gets his dog tags. Because he’s terrible with this character make-believe thing – Rawley, my ass.

Here’s to Ntodd (with a big snarky smirk).

The banker said what all bankers say: Bend over.

Then he probed. And then he touched me in places I haven’t been touched since my first marriage. Fucking asshole.

No, not touching that. But, rather, being that.

Got it? Good.

It hasn’t been easy being me. I thought, for example, that you were full of shit long before you did.

This is easy.

Because easy is what it is supposed to be.

You got the memo on that, right? Easy is the new easier than it used to be for you.

In other words: Now it’s really easy.

Easy enough to say it with our eyes.

Easy enough to sound like a whisper that says: Fuck you.

As easy as pie.

Whatever.

Welcome to a new feature. My publicist told me the title needs work but I fired him. Because anyone worth their own salt in this great age of irony knows that shock is where it’s at now. Duh.

The ship is sinking, people. And the more you sit smugly at your politeness classes, the more you’re like – well – someone attending politeness classes on a sinking ship. Got that? Good.

But let’s get to the dumb fucks. Hands down, the winner today is the alleged robber of a TD BankNorth branch in Burlington yesterday. Exhibit A for both this prestigious Dumb Fuck award and his upcoming trial is this photo of him robbing the bank:

Wow. Nice costume. Not.

Dude, you’re robbing a bank. But you’re dressed and acting like you’re buying a cup of coffee. Perhaps you got your to-do list mixed up? Which means there was probably some creepy looking guy with a mask who visited Speeder Earl’s right before the robbery, right? Right.

But it gets worse. Because this (alleged) dumb fuck not only robbed the bank with nothing but a cammo shirt on to “disguise” him, he then “fled” all the way to a city part adjacent to the bank and hung out after the heist. Brilliant.

The Vermont State Police brought in a dog to track him. Word on the street is that, when the dog crossed the street to the park and found the robber, he seriously thought his handlers were fucking with him. But that’s not confirmed. Yet.

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The “I love Vermont” crowd, even when it comes to loving our robbers, will certainly put a different spin on all this. They will point out that Vermont’s robbers are more polite since they don’t wear scary masks. Better yet, our robbers are obviously sensitive to global warming since they walk away, hang out a block away, and thus, avoid an unnecessary use of the fossil fuels required for a full-on vehicular chase.

Vermont cares. Spread your cheeks.

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And while we’re on the subject of dumb fucks, let’s throw the VAST crowd under the bus. Yeah, VAST, that group of knuckle-dragging snowmobilers who vehemently (wait, that’s too big a word for them) believe that once they buy a machine they should be able to go anywhere with it. Fuck yeah!

So let’s go drive our cars on their tiny little lawns and prove a point, eh?

Logic be damned.

But the logic (and conflict of interest) won’t stop the former VAST staffer, Andrew Nemethy, from spewing his snowmobile propaganda at his new home, VTDigger, the so-called “independent” Vermont website (cue: laugh track). Because we all know that to make it in Vermont means to bend over and let Vermont have it’s way with you. The other option, of course, is to move here with a large trust fund and then begin the process of making others make it for you. Got that? Good.

While real people in real trailer parks are wondering where to live in the post-Irene Vermont, VTDigger’s Nemethy is trying evoke a tear (and contribution!) to the snowmobiler crowd because – get this – some of their trails were destroyed by the storm. Boo. Fucking. Who.

The only reason VAST could deserve attention amidst such real tragedy (you know, things like where to live, what to eat and how to work) is if VAST decided in the aftermath of this storm to provide free forehead stickers to all of its members which said something like: “I am dumb enough to participate in a ‘sport’ (read: sitting on my ass and burning fossil fuels) that leads to its demise (read: global weirding).”

Actually, it might fly in Vermont if they add: Hug me.

The real shocker in Nemethy’s latest screed on behalf of his former bosses is that VAST received over $500,000 of federal stimulus money to work on its trails last year. Given the fact that VAST is a right-wing nuthouse, let’s get this straight: Government funding is fine for snowmobile trials but abhorrent for the hungry?

Creeps.

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This Just In: WDEV still loves itself more than you could possibly love it.

P.S. Please, Mark Johnson, spare me another one of your foul comments.

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Finally, while we’re still kinda-sorta on the topic of dumb fucks: Vermont’s Governor Peter Shumlin was in Barre yesterday to pose with Barre’s loose-cannon of a mayor, Thom Lauzon. Shumlin was touting the state tax credits that went into renovating Lauzon’s downtown building. Lauzon was putting aside his right-wing anti-government hysteria to – ahem – accept the $1.8 million in tax breaks from – double-ahem – the government.

I tell you, you’ve got to hand it to these Republicans. And, of course, what makes it all work is a smarmy Democrat like Shumlin. Yeah, you know the kind: Talk tough in election season and then sleep with your enemy while governing. Fucking whores.

While the official version of the tax-payer-funded photo-op with Shumlin and Lauzon declared that this political mismatch was working together to “create jobs,” the truth is obviously much, much closer to this: Lauzon is lining his already deep pockets and Shumlin is neutralizing a tea-party-like electoral surprise by, well, sipping tea with the enemy.

Oh, and about those “jobs”: Lauzon said that the major job-providing occupier to his new, government-subsidized building would be “Copy World.” Wow. Just imagine the possibilities. And those two-free-copies a day perks!

Give me a break.

…for the 60 gallons of gear oil spilled on one of Vermont’s most cherished ridgelines.

But now let’s turn to Vermont’s eco-elite community for a comment: (cue the crickets).

Whatever.